I'm Not Sick

                       

This is a hearty and resounding thank you to the coworkers who – without physical touch or visible weaponry of any kind – managed to fell me and resign me to bedrest.

You know who you are.

You are the ones who, because whatever you do is more important than what the rest of us do, decided that the workplace could not live without you for twenty-four to forty-eight hours while you recuperated from symptoms meant to warn you to rest. You don’t have to be contagious to stay home and take care of yourselves.

Fortunately, you didn’t. You reserved every day of your Sick Time, Holiday Time, Floating Holiday Time, Annual Time, Authorized Leave and any other form of Comp Time you have. Good for you.

Now you can use your Sick days for what they’re really meant to provide – additional days to go watch your child play baseball or a host of half days so that you can extend long weekends and get more time off at holidays.

Lucky for me, I don’t have to worry about any of that.

While you continue your earning cycle and accrue even more leave time, I am fortunate because I, too, will not have to use any of my paid time off. That’s because I don’t get any benefits. Working two part-time jobs, nine hours a day, seven days a week – I don’t get any benefits.

What I get is no pay check if I don’t work.

But it’s all good. I’m happy to oblige being ill so that you can use your Sick Time for more important things.

Oh yes, that’s right. You weren’t sick.

I remember that, in between hacking, body-wracking coughs, you mentioned that your “doctor” told you that your “acute bronchitis” wasn’t contagious. I can’t deny that the three of you who came in with similar symptoms – sneezing, coughing, fevers – did not go to your respective doctors. But I do find it interesting that all of you sit near each other, and all of you managed to get what appeared to be exact replicas – only stronger each time – and of a non-contagious strand. Interesting. I also find it intriguing that all of you managed to go to your different doctors after normal working hours. It could happen. But three different people, with three different doctors, all of whom have weeknight and weekend office hours is a bit suspect, in my humble, and non-sick, opinion.

Now your non-contagious acute bronchitis has reached me – and it’s potent. It’s a super non-contagious acute bronchitis non-virus that has reached a stage equivalent to a nuclear reactor implosion. Even the ground around me is registering on the Geiger counter.

The best part is, not only do I not have a Primary Care Physician, you know, that’s the doctor that supposedly told you that you weren’t contagious, but I can’t even afford to walk into a clinic, or visit a corner drugstore for pharmacist advice or over-the-counter meds.

So guess what? I will come into work. I will hack and cough and potentially be sick – all while running a fever that, in pioneer times, might require an onion poultice bath to drop it to non-skin-melting levels.

And in between my coughs, I’m going to do as you did and mention the phrase “seasonal allergies,” as my eyes water and my nose runs. And I’m going to talk about my non-existent doctor (I’ll call him Dr. Web, as in Web MD.), and I’ll say, “It’s not contagious. Dr. Web said so. It’s acute bronchitis.”

And next week, when the next wave of employees are out sick, I can rest easy knowing that whatever I had – like the rest of the people before me – was not contagious.